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| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Archuduke Franz Karl Frederick Eugene Maximilian III telegram to all nations of the world: Greetings, citizens of Europe! In my capacity as the Archduke of our Romanian subjects, and being the representative of our supreme Kaiser Franz Joseph I in his foreign diplomatic activities, I would like to invite all to a grand concert in Vienna, to follow up on the concert held in Berlin 15 years ago that had divided up Africa, to do the same with Europe of today. |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Am I doing this right? |
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| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | The Times, Spring, 1901 NORWAY has FALLEN INTO ANARCHY Oslo - A group of Norwegian citizens has stormed the Parliament after the latest accusations of voter fraud. Since the overthrow of the Norwegian Parliament, the country is without an official government. Law enforcement is nonexistent. As a result, crime rates have skyrocketed and some citizens have started organizing in militias. Our Scandinavian correspondent has conducted interviews to give us a look at what the average Norse man is thinking. When he asked a fisherman for his opinion on the matters, he could barely hold back his tears. 'I åm væry scåred,' the poor man said. 'Every time I gæt båck høme after å dåy of wørk, I åm åfråid thåt my høuse hås been råided ånd thåt I will find my wife and children lying on the fløør, with their thrøats slit. I wish we were under a prøper gøvernment!' The man stared a while into nothingness before he continued: 'I have heård that yøu British peøple have a greåt gøvernment thåt tåkes gøød cåre øf its peøple. I wish we cøuld håve thåt here, too. Yesterdåy I såid to my wife: ''Why does King Henry VII of Englånd nøt sænd a fleet here to hælp us øut? Under his rule, we wøuld be såfe!'' ' It is truly saddening to see how bad the situation in Norway is. On behalf of the entire editorial staff: Stay strong, Norwegians, and keep hope. CONFERENCE in VIENNA Vienna - Archduke Franz Karl Frederick Eugene Maximilian III of Austria-Hungary has invited leaders of all the great nations of Europe to discuss the future borders in Europe, and to listen to a beautiful concert in Vienna. Our Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, the most honorable Henry Petty-Fitzmaurice, has gladly accepted the invitation and will lead the British delegation. We will keep you updated on any agreements made in this conference. |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Le Monde: Spring 1901, Volume I FRENCH RESPONSE ISSUED TO VIENNA INVITE Paris, France- The Queen of France, Ms. Colette A. Day, has issued an official response to the the Austrian Archduke's invite to a conference of world leaders. Ms. Day has accepted the invite and will send a small group of the French diplomatic cognoscenti. This group will include the Minister for European Affairs Mr. Tommy Wiseau, the Ambassador to England, Mr. Cole DeSack, and the Ambassador to Germany, Mr. Bud Weiser. Mr. DeSack's inclusion is thought to show an intent to maintain peace with our close British neighbor should any hostilities break out. Ms. Day has indicated her support for multilateral diplomatic policy to achieve democratic ends in the past; thus, her peaceful response is what many foreign policy pundits saw coming. Continued on page A5 OPPOSITION LEADERS DENOUNCE "GOVERNMENT HOBNOBBING" Although most French citizens agree with Queen Day, some decry the suggestion that policy initiatives could be reached at such a diplomatic conference. The most prominent leader of the opposition, Ms. Anne Arkey, stated her dissent and assailed "government hobnobbing" on the taxpayer's franc. Continued on page A5 More Headlines Inside: New Film "The Room" by director Thierry Ingme Apart-Lisa is a smash (Culture, B1) France wins World Cup; star player Napoleon Dinamight scores again (Sports, C1) Top Burgundy Wines of the Year according to our reviewer Al Kohollick (Dining, D1) |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Bild, March 4th, 1901 PASSENGER KILLED WHILE ASLEEP The dead body of a man with a dagger thrust through one eye has been found in the first-class compartment of a train which left Vienna a last night for Zurich. Initially reported as minor diplomat Heinrich Mayer, authorities refuse to confirm any details of the case, possibly in fear of an international incident so close to the concert in Vienna. Eyewitness have been unreliable at best, one claiming to this reporter "I saw that Anne Arkey woman, go in his room. I am sure of it." Unfortunately, when pressed for details, this witness was unable to describe Ms. Arkey in any detail. Regardless, an anonymous source within the Police department has mentioned they are paying particular attention to passengers with French Passports. |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Le Monde: Spring 1901, Volume II ATTACK ON MAYER RILES UP EUROPE ON EDGE Salzburg, Austria- As the German paper Bild reported yesterday, a German diplomat was killed by an unknown assailant onboard a train here in the Alps. Some witnesses have linked the death to well-known French opposition leader Anne Arkey, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. However, finger-pointing is going on across the continent; the Austrian Archduke has apparently accused the Italians of involvement and threatened to invade the nearby Italian cultural hub of Venice, so no one is quite sure who committed this atrocity. Continued on page A5 FRANCE ORGANIZES ARMY AND NAVY IN “DEFENSIVE MOVE” Paris- The French army has begun preparations in case of a European conflict over the recent murder by raising an army in Marseilles and Paris, as well as a fleet in Brest. The only government source who would comment on this story is France’s Chief Admiral Mr. Noah Zark, who noted that his unit would be moving towards Portugal and that he intends to remain at peace with England. It is also rumored that the Parisian unit may head for Belgium and the Marseilles group to Spain. Continued on page A5 More Headlines inside: Italian ambassador Aymaika Dapasta also included in delegation to Vienna (Politics, A10) Minister for European Affairs Wiseau praises “outstanding” film “The Room” (Culture, B1) Must-have Meats for a Parisian brunch by our food writer Chris P. Bacon (Dining, D1) |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Zurich Press: Spring 1901 'Murder On The Orient Express' May Rile Up European Powers The murder of a German ambassador on a train in Tyrolia this season is sure to cause uproar in the international community. Our corespondent with the Government of Switzerland says that the nation intends to remain neutral in any conflict. We call on other nations in Europe to see the pointlessness of war over such a silly topic. Other Head Lines: Ottoman Sultan Cautious About Attending Vienna Conference German Kaiser Angry At Death Of Diplomat, Blames Austria Belgian King Concerned About Impending Conflict |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | The Istanbul Inquirer: Spring 1901 ISTANBUL INUNDATED! ANKARA AFLAME! SMYRNA SALTY! The people of The Ottoman Empire wish to express their solidarity with Germany over this heinous crime. The Austrian excuse for an Empire must be punished! We will rid the world of such scum! But first, we call on our Sultan to hear the cries of his people! Invade Bulgaria! Capture Sofia and convert it's production for the uses of our great Empire! Take back what was rightfully ours! I call on the Imam to declare a Holy Jehad on Vienna! We will not rest until the Glory of The Ottoman Empire is restored! Other Headlines: The Sultan Says The Black Sea Should Remain De-Militarized For Merchant Shipping Norwegian Sources Ask Russia For Aid In This Time Of Crises Serbia Declares Itself Neutral And Asks For Help In Case Of Austrian Invasion |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | REPRESENTATIVES OF SEVEN MAJOR POWERS MEET TO DISCUSS UNION OF NATIONS The Times 5 March, 1901 Sir Ian Notworththepaperthisisprintedon reporting LONDON - In a prelude to the upcoming Conference in Vienna, high-ranking representatives of the seven major European powers met in Verdun, France this week to discuss a recent proposal on a peacekeeping union of nations that would work to provide peaceful solutions to conflicts, prevent wars, and provide humanitarian aid where needed. Ranking members of the United Kingdom, the French Republic, the Kingdom of Italy, the German Empire, Austria Hungary, the Empire of All Russias, and the Ottoman Empire all attended. The first day went very smoothly as plans for humanitarian aid around the globe were elaborated on. But day two saw the United Kingdom storm out of the summit declaring their “Britain first” policy wasn’t being respected when the topic shifted to equal representation. French Foreign Office Minister Monsieur Gros Probleme proclaimed, “Zat is okay, wee never trusted zee Brits anyway!” The head of the Italian congregation, Giuseppe Leaveusaloni, made a statement declaring that is what the French had wanted all along and followed the British out the door. The Germans and Russians quickly took out a map of Scandinavia, purely for logistical peacetime reasons, and held their own summit, while the Austrians and Ottomans used the time to discuss preparations for the Austrian Archduke’s upcoming visit to the Balkans. Day three was spent tending to flesh wounds between the French, Italian, and Ottoman representatives after the subject of North Africa came up, which had been banned from the agenda, before the summit broke for the end of winter early. |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | Le Monde: Spring 1901, Volume III FRENCH MINISTER PROBLEME TERMINATED Paris- French Foreign Office Minister Monsieur Gros Probleme has been forced out of the government today. He gathered up his things and said goodbye. It is thought that his animosity towards our ally Britain is the reason for his departure. QUEEN DAY PLEADS FOR PEACE French Queen Colette A. Day has reiterated her call for peace and insistence to work with bordering countries in the event of a crisis. Ambassadors Cole DeSack, Bud Weiser and Aymaika Dapasta are on the way to Britain, Germany and Italy, respectively, to iron out any issues and ensure respect of French borders. DAY APPOINTS TWO MORE AMBASSADORS Queen Day also appointed her ambassador to Russia, Ms. Ivana Dayov, and her ambassador to Austria-Hungary, Mr. Colin Sicke. More Headlines: “The Room” cleans up at the Oscars (Culture, B1) Napoleon IV of Paris? Dinamight interested in PSG move (Sports, C1) How to Order a Drink at the Bar, by Scott-Shawn DeRocks (Dining, D1) |
| ~03 Nov 18 UTC | The Moscow Modern: Spring 1901, Vol. I SCANDANAVIANS SPLIT ON WHO TO TURN TO The London Times has reported that the Norwegians have expressed their desire to join the British government. The reporting staff here at the Modern has investigated on its own terms and has determined that this truly is the case. The Swedish people; however, appear to, quite literally, turn a different direction, calling on the assistance of Russia. News from Denmark has not been acquired, but the world leaders have formed a decision that, no matter the will of the people, due to Germany’s recent loss, they shall be free to win the hearts of those from Denmark WEATHER REMINDER Please remember that Russia is not hospitable during the months of Fall and Winter and therefore, it is not recommended to enter or remain in the country during these times. Thank you for your consideration. UNCERTAINTY BREWING IN THE BALKANS With the Istanbul Inquirer so adamant about the restoration of the Ottoman empire, the Russian government has its doubts about peace. They are willing to concede Serbia and Bulgaria to Austria and Turkey respectively, should peace therefore last in the region. TAKE A TRIP AWAY FROM KANSAS The Russian Monarchy has declared that all must find their silver shoes and click their heels as they travel to Oz! This book, released last year in English, shall soon be coming to Russia. The government urges readers to remember, “We all know who the true Wicked Witch of the West is” |
| 03 Nov 18 UTC | Bild, April 9th, 1901 FRADULANT ARTICLES MASQUARDING AS STATE PRESS Recently, an article claiming to be from the Zurich Press called the death of a local diplomat a silly topic. However, the local editor for Zurich Press, while unavailable for questions, was able to provide the following statement: "We would never imply the death of a patriot is anything less than a tragedy. We have issued no stories to that effect." The Federal Intelligence Service announces today that a Fake Italian Passport and a wig was found in a train station trashcan, along with a half-eaten baguette. Due to eyewitness testimony, they reaffirm they will be looking for a French citizen. |
| 04 Nov 18 UTC | Grey Press: La Repubblica: Spring 1901, Volume I ITALIAN FOREIGN MINISTER SAYS "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME" Foreign Minister, Mario Mario, declined to attend the much anticipated Vienna Conference. Official interviews reference relationship problems, but unfortunately rumors abound. The office of the minister is very quick to dismiss any suggestion that it might be in reference to the ministers previous mushroom problem, but high ranking officers claim any meet that France is present at, Mario Mario will probably not be in attendance. PASSPORT FORGERY RING EXPOSED In connection with fake passport found in in the Meyer murder case, Italian officials were able to locate an entire organization of counterfeiters. A raid early Sunday morning revealed 23 other forged passports, in various states of completion. Also seized in the raid were 700,000 Francs and a number of poorly made costumes. So far there is no word as to whether this will have any effect in the Meyer case. Continued on page A7 More Headlines inside: Prime Minister, Giuseppe Zanardelli, offers the full cooperation to Germany and Austria to find Meyer Murderer.( Politics, A90) Lablabi from Grand Tunis was voted #1 dish for all Italians to try L'Asiano Magazine. All Italians should try it as soon as possible. (Dining, D1) |
| ~04 Nov 18 UTC | The Vienna Standard, Spring 1901, issue 2. Archduke Franz Karl Frederick Eugene Maximilian III expresses his condolences for the victim of the attack in Switzerland, and says that there is no place for violence in Europe in 1901. The Kaiser has directed that all measures be taken to assist in the ongoing investigation into the identity of the assassin. Given the accusations against Austria of orchestrating the attack, Archduke Franz Karl Frederick Eugene Maximilian III has offered the following comment: "This is fake news by the mainstream media, the enemy of the people. We have not received any formal accusation by Germany, our friend and ally, through our diplomatic channels of any role in this heinous murder, yet some low-energy, dying newspaper from weak Switzerland has reported this fake story. The Muslim Turks have latched onto this fake story, and wishes to restore the Ottoman Empire to its former border, comprising Tunis, Serbia, Budapest, Trieste, Sevastopol, Rumania, Bulgaria and Greece in addition to currently Turkish territories. This is unacceptable, and we invite the Russians, who have established the Third Rome, to retake Constantinople and restore it to Christian rule." When inquired about rumor regarding Venice, Archduke Franz Karl Frederick Eugene Maximilian III said that Austria has long since relinquished its historic rights in Venice, recognizes the desire of the Italians there to be ruled by Italian, and wishes the best to Italy, our Catholic brothers. More glorious Austrian victories inside: Polish revolt in Galicia crushed, area now a wasteland impassable for armies.(revolts, A2119) Serbia votes to be united with Bosnia by accepting Austrian rule. (International affairs, B5) The Hague experiences concern regarding recent military mobilization (International affairs, B9) Absolutely scandalous dance by Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo! (Culture C5) |
| ~04 Nov 18 UTC | The Times, Spring, 1901 Agreements have been made in the CONFERENCE in VIENNA Vienna - Delegates of England and Russia have had an intensive discussion about the future of Scandinavia. The outcome was great: Russian officials declared their support for an English occupation of Norway! This is a step in he right direction to help the poor Norwegians to organize their country again. Delegates of England and Germany came together to discuss the tragic death of a German diplomat in a train that left Vienna. England has agreed to send independent British investigators to help solving this crime. On behalf of the editorial staff, we send our condolences to the victim and his family. France has built a fleet at its northern coasts, but French officials assure England that it will use this fleet as a means for southern expansion and that the French intend to remain at peace with the English. They vowed to not threaten any British border. OPINION - Why does everyone LOVE BRITAIN? Anyone who closely follows the recent developments in Vienna cannot help but notice that every other major country likes to be friends with Britain. Personally I think that this due to a multitude of reasons. First and foremost, we British are the most honorable of people and naturally the best allies to have. However, I don't think we should underestimate the charm of our officials and of our king, Edward VII, and the influence it has on foreign officials. RECTIFICATIONS This newspaper does not know any reporter called "Sir Ian Notworththepaperthisisprintedon", and neither knows who wrote the article published on March 5th. We apologize for the confusion this article may have caused. |
| ~04 Nov 18 UTC | Le Monde: Spring 1901, Volume IV QUEEN DAY WELCOMES DIPLOMATIC RESULTS FROM VIENNA Queen of France Ms. Colette A. Day welcomed the agreement between France and Britain today from Vienna. Ambassador to Britain Mr. Cole DeSack surely played a huge role, and Minister for European Affairs Mr. Tommy Wiseau was instrumental to the process. Neither could be reached for comment. SILENCE FROM THE GERMANS, ITALIANS AND RUSSIANS Queen Day also noted at the press conference that she would like to hear thoughts from leaders of Germany and Italy about their attitudes towards France. She noted that peace would benefit all countries in the wake of the ambassador’s murder and the successful results from Vienna. While Russia does not border France, of course, their news outlets have been suspiciously quiet lately. We here at Le Monde have dispatched our Russian correspondent, Phillip Inghimov, to Moscow at once to see what he can learn. More Headlines: Authorities searching for Anne Arkey, person of interest in Mayer case (Politics, A5) Roma-Rapid Vienna Champions League match turns ugly after political violence (Sports, C1) Restaurant Review: Gusteau’s a big hit with new chef Linguini (Dining, D1) |
| ~04 Nov 18 UTC | The Ankara Gazette: Spring 1901 In a recent interview with the Sultan he expressed his wish to reassure the Russian Government that he wishes nothing but peace with his northern neighbor. In fact he said that he had sent ambassadors to St. Petersburg to discuss a de-militarization of the Black Sea in order to allow trade to continue uninterrupted. He continued to suggest that Russia should join in the invasion of the Balkans by crushing puny Rumania. |